That’s how far along I was at my last appointment with Aj. It was September 12, 2013. It was a totally normal, routine appointment with my doctor. My blood pressure was perfect, and I was only up a couple of more pounds since my last appointment. I told my doctor I had started having braxton hicks contractions, my body was getting in some practice for the big day!! Lastly, she pulled out her pocket Doppler and found AJ’s heartbeat. He was moving all around…..such a busy little boy. And that was it, I scheduled my next appointment and headed to my Mother in Law’s house to pick up my 3 girls…….4 days later, I’d feel my little guy kick for the very last time.
I’m 31 weeks and 1 day pregnant with Baby E today……and honestly, I’m a mix of emotions. I’m excitedly optimistic, but completely nervous as I approach AJ’s loss date. Everything is going well thus far, and our little boy is measuring a little bit ahead, but…..I was at this same point last time with Aj.
Being a mommy to an angel baby, is sometimes a lonely road. It’s tough facing the reality that all pregnancies, even those that make it into the 3rd trimester, don’t guarantee a living baby. I struggle with expressing my emotions and fears, wondering if I’ll be misunderstood by those that haven’t walked this path of loss. I’m comforted by all the prayers and support….but sometimes the comments cut like a knife…..
Everything will be fine this time. Stop worrying, it’s not good for the baby. Trust God. You should use the faith that you say you have.
Enter Shame and Guilt.
I’m staring into the mirror, tears falling from my eyes. Is this really what they think? That I caused AJ’s death because I didn’t believe everything was going to be fine? Or because I worried too much?? Or maybe the reason Aj died was because I didn’t trust God enough or my faith wasn’t strong enough, so he punished me.
This rainbow pregnancy has been tough. Though I do wrestle with fear, it’s not due to my lack of trust in God. My faith is strong, stronger than ever and I trust in God and whatever plan He has for me and my family. His plan is only for good…..What I have embraced over the past 15 months is that my plan and definition of what’s good for me, doesn’t always match up with God’s plan. Sin in this world has caused death, destruction, and hard times….but God remains good no matter what situations we encounter.
This evening, as I sit and type this, I am so thankful. I’m thankful for the 32 weeks I spent with my Aj. I’m thankful for the rocky road of grief that God has held my hand through. I’m thankful for the dark moments, that God allowed his light to shine so
brightly through.I am thankful that what was meant to harm me, God has used to heal and strengthen broken pieces. I am thankful for Baby E who is kicking me in my ribs right now. I am thankful that I can profess that God is good all the time!!