I will praise…

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q

This song I will Carry You by Selah is absolutely beautiful and brings a tear to my eye every time I listen to it. I am so thankful that God chose me to be Aj’s mom, and carry him through every moment of his life. Although Aj never got the opportunity to experience life on earth, he was still able to make memories with us in my belly. He went to he first Charlotte Bobcats game at 7 weeks and visited his first waterpark at 20 weeks. I know that in his heavenly home, God has shown him so many beautiful, amazing things, and made some wonderful memories with him.

I don’t understand why AJ isn’t here with us, but I will continue to “Praise the one who chose me to carry you”.

Yesterday

Wow, Christmas certainly came and went quickly. I spent the last week either preparing my heart or denying my anxiety for yesterday. My goal was for the girls to have a super great Christmas, and my husband and I were successful at accomplishing that. The girls were excited and pleased with what “Santa” brought them.

Still, Christmas was very hard for me. I was very excited and energized Christmas morning as the girls opened gifts, but that energy diminished as the day continued. It kind of felt like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions. I was simply doing all of the things I usually do during Christmas get togethers, except this time I was pretending to be present. My husband always says that I wear my emotions on my face, so I’m sure he knew how I was feeling.

I’ll admit, I silently wished that someone would mention Aj. I thought that someone would realize that a vital part of our family was missing from our Christmas celebration. I hoped that someone might recognize that this was AJ’s first Christmas in heaven. It didn’t happen, and that saddened me. I feel the weight of AJ’s absence so heavily, not just on Christmas, but daily. It hurt to think he could have possibly been forgotten.

“Oh that my grief were actually weighed And laid in the balances together with my calamity! For then it would be heavier than the sand of the seas;

Job 6:2-3(a)

Christmas Day marked a milestone for me in this season of grieving. We made it through our first big holiday since he was born into heaven. Although it was emotionally rough, I know that God was with us. I’m grateful for his love, his mercy, and his comfort that he gives so freely. I continue to wait, and trust in him.


Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalms 71:20-21

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Busy…

That’s what I was today, busy. I was running around here and there, grabbing last minute stuff. I actually went to Food lion twice!! The traffic was crazy, and the stores were packed.

Honestly, I welcomed the distraction. With my mind occupied by the busyness, I didn’t have to face my feelings today. I didn’t have to admit how much the holiday season hurts. I could just push all of that sadness to the back, just for a bit.

Of course, once I was alone in the shower, the floodgates of my soul burst open. The tears came streaming out. I had to face the truth, Aj not being here really sucks!! There are empty places under the tree, where his gifts should’ve been. A cute little Christmas outfit he never wore, is packed away in a tote. There will be no sweet first Christmas pictures for my little boy.

I feel like a little kid whose parents just told her, “no you can’t have it!!” I want to throw myself on the floor, roll around a bit, and kick my feet. I want to shout, “it’s not fair!!” I don’t understand. I just wish things could’ve been different. I just wish he was here.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Today…..

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It just plain hurts….Don’t get me wrong, the pain is there everyday. Some days it’s just easier to push the hurt to the back and get through the day. But other days, you just can’t. Today is one of those days where I’m painfully aware of what I’ve been chosen to give away.

I close my eyes, and I’m there again. I look up at the clock. It is 1:18 pm. My husband Anthony is by my side, holding my hand. We’re crying. I am afraid to look down at my newly born son. I hear Anthony say, “he’s perfect”, and I cry even harder.

And then it happens, we meet. I’m face to face with my little Aj. I can’t help but smile. My heart feels with joy. His skin is so warm and smooth. He looks so innocent and peaceful. I stare at him, hoping that his eyes will open. I rub his cheeks and smooth his brown hair. Counted all of his toes. This has got to be a dream……A mother is not supposed to out live her child….he is too beautiful to be gone.

These are the only memories I will have with Aj in my arms here on earth. I will never get a chance to see those beautiful brown eyes, or hear his cry. I won’t get the chance to nurse him or rock him to sleep. I will never get the opportunity to complain about him keeping me up all night.

“The Lord is near to those who are broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18


I know that The Lord is near. If he was not, I would still be hiding under the covers in my bed. All my strength has come from him, because I am far too weak to deal with this heartbreaking situation without him…..

Waiting……..

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Waiting………From August 2012 until September 2013, I was pregnant twice. Three months with the twins, and then eight months with Aj. I spent 11 months patiently waiting to welcome home a healthy baby. 11 months of planning, purchasing, and setting up……waiting in vain.

Even after AJ’s death, the waiting continues except it is even harder, almost unbearable. When you’re pregnant, you know the end point, so you wait excitedly. But after loss, what are you supposed to be waiting for exactly?? I’m unsure of where to set my expectations. I know, I have to trust God and have faith, but what am I supposed to hope for?? My waiting now has become mixed with fear. Anything that I may hope for might not be apart of the plan God has for me. Not having an expectation, or just having hope for a better future with no specifics, seems easier at this point.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

Pray. Pray. Then Pray some more. That is all that I can do, as we continue to wait patiently for the Break in the clouds.

He Knows

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For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

Aj was not a mistake. His short life didn’t represent a “sign” from God. God knew Aj. He called AJ’s life into existence. Before I even knew that I was pregnant, God had began to form him, weaving together organs and blood vessels. The days of my son’s life were already written in God’s big book. The Lord was not shocked when his heart stopped beating.

I don’t think that life is just a series of random events. I believe that God has already laid out a unique plan for each of our lives. Because sin exists, unfortunately, these plans will involve some trials, heartaches, and sadness. I don’t think that losing Aj, and the twins before, was just an unlucky break, or a chance happening. Instead, losing them was a part of the plan laid out for me, my husband and our family.

LORD, you have probed me, you know me:
you know when I sit and stand;
you understand my thoughts from afar.
You sift through my travels and my rest; with all my ways you are familiar.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
LORD, you know it all.
Behind and before you encircle me
and rest your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, far too lofty for me to reach.

Psalm 139:16

Just as God knew Aj, he knows me. He knows everything about me, nothing is hidden. How amazing, yet hard to even fathom! And here I am, in the middle of the life, planned uniquely for me, because he knows me so completely.

When we lost the twins, he knew me. When AJ’s heart stopped beating, he knew me. My thoughts, my words, my actions……….my response. In this moment as I write this post, he knows me. All of this known before it even came to pass. And he has been with me through it all, and will be as I continue forward. Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me. I find so much comfort in that.

It’s been 3 months today. This journey continues to take me through ups and downs. At moments there is peace and laughter, but sometimes sadness will come suddenly and steal that away. I continue to remind myself that God knows me, He knows the plan created for me, and He is a good God. There is hope, redemption, and happiness ahead. I’m claiming it!!

Almost

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At the end of August 2012, we were quite shocked to find out that we were pregnant with baby #4. I was so shocked, that I was literally in tears. I admit, tears were the exact same response I gave when I found out that we were pregnant with our now 4 and 3 year old. We’d never actually planned our pregnancies, but somehow before the 2 year mark, we’d find ourselves pregnant again. After my initial reaction, my husband would always remind me that everything will work out fine. And he was always usually right…….not this time.

We went in for our first appointment at the end of October 2012. We were shocked to find out that we were pregnant with twins, but not as far along as we initially thought. We were sent to 2 higher level ultrasounds in a span of 2 weeks, and waited in limbo for our doctor to let us know what was going on. On November 12, 2013, our 6th wedding anniversary, our doctor delivered the news. The twins had no heartbeats, and failed to progress past 7 weeks 6 days, and my body failed to recognize that. We were scheduled for a d&c the next day.

On March 13, 2013, a positive pregnancy test at my Obgyn confirmed that we were pregnant again. This time there were no tears. We were having our rainbow baby!!! His due date, November 13, 2013, exactly 1 year to the day of our d&c. A rainbow baby is a (miracle) baby conceived after a miscarriage or death of a child. God was bringing redemption for our loss.

Almost…………

AJ’s story didn’t have the happy ending we had expected. I’m disappointed, blindsided even. I feel tricked. We prayed so hard for a healthy baby. I was so certain that AJ’s life would signal the end of a storm. Instead, we were tossed into a typhoon!! Why?!?! Why us?! Why now?! I don’t understand.

Even in my confusion, my faith won’t allow me to give up. Although doubt and uncertainty creep in, my faith won’t let me become hopeless. Looking back, I can see the many blessings God gave me, even more than I deserved. He has shown himself to me time and time again. Why wouldn’t I trust him now?? It’s so hard, but I continue to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-14 with praise on my lips, and a hope in my heart. This will not be the end of our story!!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Jeremiah 29:11-14