My first blog post, wow!! I have been considering, and then reconsidering this whole blogging idea for several weeks. Finally, I got up enough courage to start today. I’ll admit, I’m pretty nervous.
The beginning of my journey…….. September 17, 2013. That Tuesday morning seemed just like any other. My youngest princess was up bright and early, ready to snuggle and watch Nick Jr. I felt like I hadn’t slept a wink the night before, but at 31 weeks 6 days pregnant, what did I expect. Wait……there was something different that morning. My usually rambunctious son seemed awfully quiet in my belly. I poked and prodded my bump for a few minutes, but figured he must have had a restless night like his momma. I continued with my morning, breakfast, homeschooling the girls, and lunch. By noon, I realized I still hadn’t felt my little boy and at the prompting of my husband, called my doctor. I was told to meet her at labor and delivery as soon as I could for monitoring.
The news I heard at labor and delivery was not the news I expected to hear. Even now, the words ring in my head and the moment feels like yesterday. “I am so sorry Sibyl…” It suddenly felt like I was watching from the outside. I’m seeing myself sobbing and moaning…….is this really happening?????
Our son Aj was born into the arms of Jesus on 9/18/2013 at 1:18 pm. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. He had a head full of brown hair and looked like he had fallen asleep sucking his tongue. He looked just like my youngest daughter.
It has been 11 weeks and 6 days since Aj was born. This journey through grief continues to be up, down and all around, full of twists and turns. My days aren’t completely consumed with crying anymore, but I still take time to release my tears in the evening. Sometimes when I look back over the past 11 weeks, it’s like viewing a lifetime movie. The story is so devastating, and I’m shocked that I am still able to exist.
The future, it seems so uncertain and scary now. I’ve always prided myself on being able to plan things, so that I can have expectations. But now, I’ve experienced tragedy in a way I never expected, and there was no way to plan for it. So what now???
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”
Something I had forgotten. In the midst of thinking that I was the driver, and God was merely the passenger. I had it all mixed up. I am not in control, and never have I ever been. God…the Creator of All…..the Master Painter…..the one who holds the blueprint of my life.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
So that is where I’m at right now. I am trusting in God, in HIS plan. Oh, how easy it is to write that, but how hard it continues to be to live that, in every moment.