My first blog post, wow!! I have been considering, and then reconsidering this whole blogging idea for several weeks. Finally, I got up enough courage to start today. I’ll admit, I’m pretty nervous.
The beginning of my journey…….. September 17, 2013. That Tuesday morning seemed just like any other. My youngest princess was up bright and early, ready to snuggle and watch Nick Jr. I felt like I hadn’t slept a wink the night before, but at 31 weeks 6 days pregnant, what did I expect. Wait……there was something different that morning. My usually rambunctious son seemed awfully quiet in my belly. I poked and prodded my bump for a few minutes, but figured he must have had a restless night like his momma. I continued with my morning, breakfast, homeschooling the girls, and lunch. By noon, I realized I still hadn’t felt my little boy and at the prompting of my husband, called my doctor. I was told to meet her at labor and delivery as soon as I could for monitoring.
The news I heard at labor and delivery was not the news I expected to hear. Even now, the words ring in my head and the moment feels like yesterday. “I am so sorry Sibyl…” It suddenly felt like I was watching from the outside. I’m seeing myself sobbing and moaning…….is this really happening?????
Our son Aj was born into the arms of Jesus on 9/18/2013 at 1:18 pm. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. He had a head full of brown hair and looked like he had fallen asleep sucking his tongue. He looked just like my youngest daughter.
It has been 11 weeks and 6 days since Aj was born. This journey through grief continues to be up, down and all around, full of twists and turns. My days aren’t completely consumed with crying anymore, but I still take time to release my tears in the evening. Sometimes when I look back over the past 11 weeks, it’s like viewing a lifetime movie. The story is so devastating, and I’m shocked that I am still able to exist.
The future, it seems so uncertain and scary now. I’ve always prided myself on being able to plan things, so that I can have expectations. But now, I’ve experienced tragedy in a way I never expected, and there was no way to plan for it. So what now???
“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”
Psalms 19:21
Something I had forgotten. In the midst of thinking that I was the driver, and God was merely the passenger. I had it all mixed up. I am not in control, and never have I ever been. God…the Creator of All…..the Master Painter…..the one who holds the blueprint of my life.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
So that is where I’m at right now. I am trusting in God, in HIS plan. Oh, how easy it is to write that, but how hard it continues to be to live that, in every moment.
Looking For the Break in the Clouds 
Thank you so much for sharing yours and AJ’s story. It is beautiful. My son was born an angel at 28 weeks in August. I’m thinking and praying for you and your family!
I am so so sorry for your loss. That verse from Jeremiah was one of the first that came to my mind while I was waiting to deliver… And it’s true, even when our reality is just so painful we can’t see through it, He still holds us. Big hugs and prayers xxx
Thank you for staring a piece of your story. I’m so sorry about AJ’s death. My Noah was stillborn on 10/19 this year. It is incredibly hard. Like you, I tend to cry for him at night. I find writing helps me. I hope it helps you.
Thank you for sharing your story of AJ. Welcome, also to the blogging world!!! It is good therapy to write. My daughter died at 38 weeks in 2010. She is every day in my heart.
Sometimes my heart hurts – I read your post today, and it made me smile. Sending you a huge huge hug x x
I am so very sorry for the loss that each of you have been forced to endure. Thank you for taking the time to read our story, and for the tremendous support. I was very nervous to share my journey and my heart. Thanks for making it a little easier.
ssheffey27, I thank God for you! You are an amazingly strong woman and I know it’s the strength of our God within you that allowed you to start this blog and share your story and testimony. You are such a sweet and very special sis-n-law to me. Continue to allow God to use you to reach out and help others during such a time as this. I know He will continue to strengthen you more and more each day. I love you! * Special thanks to all of you that posted previously for your support to my sis-n-law and family. My sympathy and sincere prayers are with you and your families as well.
~ To my precious little nephew……..I never had a chance to meet you or tickle your tiny feet. I would’ve loved to hug and kiss you and even smell your breath when you yawn! I love you Lil AJ, but I know you’re being loved much more right now and safer in Jesus’ arms~
I’m so sorry for your loss of precious AJ. This is such a shocking and hard thing, but I’m glad to see that you have God to help you through. He has and is helping me so much. I love the verse you quoted. It is one that I read often right now. We can have trust and hope in his future.
What a sweet perfect little hand your AJ has.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Like you have said, I am “shocked that I am still able to exist.”
Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your story. I just know you’ll give others strength. Hopefully you can find the same here in the blogging world. Support and strength.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story with us – your effort to seek scripture in the midst of this trial is truly a testimony!