At the end of August 2012, we were quite shocked to find out that we were pregnant with baby #4. I was so shocked, that I was literally in tears. I admit, tears were the exact same response I gave when I found out that we were pregnant with our now 4 and 3 year old. We’d never actually planned our pregnancies, but somehow before the 2 year mark, we’d find ourselves pregnant again. After my initial reaction, my husband would always remind me that everything will work out fine. And he was
always usually right…….not this time.
We went in for our first appointment at the end of October 2012. We were shocked to find out that we were pregnant with twins, but not as far along as we initially thought. We were sent to 2 higher level ultrasounds in a span of 2 weeks, and waited in limbo for our doctor to let us know what was going on. On November 12, 2013, our 6th wedding anniversary, our doctor delivered the news. The twins had no heartbeats, and failed to progress past 7 weeks 6 days, and my body failed to recognize that. We were scheduled for a d&c the next day.
On March 13, 2013, a positive pregnancy test at my Obgyn confirmed that we were pregnant again. This time there were no tears. We were having our rainbow baby!!! His due date, November 13, 2013, exactly 1 year to the day of our d&c. A rainbow baby is a (miracle) baby conceived after a miscarriage or death of a child. God was bringing redemption for our loss.
AJ’s story didn’t have the happy ending we had expected. I’m disappointed, blindsided even. I feel tricked. We prayed so hard for a healthy baby. I was so certain that AJ’s life would signal the end of a storm. Instead, we were tossed into a typhoon!! Why?!?! Why us?! Why now?! I don’t understand.
Even in my confusion, my faith won’t allow me to give up. Although doubt and uncertainty creep in, my faith won’t let me become hopeless. Looking back, I can see the many blessings God gave me, even more than I deserved. He has shown himself to me time and time again. Why wouldn’t I trust him now?? It’s so hard, but I continue to cling to Jeremiah 29:11-14 with praise on my lips, and a hope in my heart. This will not be the end of our story!!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.