For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
Aj was not a mistake. His short life didn’t represent a “sign” from God. God knew Aj. He called AJ’s life into existence. Before I even knew that I was pregnant, God had began to form him, weaving together organs and blood vessels. The days of my son’s life were already written in God’s big book. The Lord was not shocked when his heart stopped beating.
I don’t think that life is just a series of random events. I believe that God has already laid out a unique plan for each of our lives. Because sin exists, unfortunately, these plans will involve some trials, heartaches, and sadness. I don’t think that losing Aj, and the twins before, was just an unlucky break, or a chance happening. Instead, losing them was a part of the plan laid out for me, my husband and our family.
LORD, you have probed me, you know me:
you know when I sit and stand;
you understand my thoughts from afar.
You sift through my travels and my rest; with all my ways you are familiar.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
LORD, you know it all.
Behind and before you encircle me
and rest your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, far too lofty for me to reach.
Just as God knew Aj, he knows me. He knows everything about me, nothing is hidden. How amazing, yet hard to even fathom! And here I am, in the middle of the life, planned uniquely for me, because he knows me so completely.
When we lost the twins, he knew me. When AJ’s heart stopped beating, he knew me. My thoughts, my words, my actions……….my response. In this moment as I write this post, he knows me. All of this known before it even came to pass. And he has been with me through it all, and will be as I continue forward. Behind and before you encircle me and rest your hand upon me. I find so much comfort in that.
It’s been 3 months today. This journey continues to take me through ups and downs. At moments there is peace and laughter, but sometimes sadness will come suddenly and steal that away. I continue to remind myself that God knows me, He knows the plan created for me, and He is a good God. There is hope, redemption, and happiness ahead. I’m claiming it!!