It just plain hurts….Don’t get me wrong, the pain is there everyday. Some days it’s just easier to push the hurt to the back and get through the day. But other days, you just can’t. Today is one of those days where I’m painfully aware of what I’ve been chosen to give away.
I close my eyes, and I’m there again. I look up at the clock. It is 1:18 pm. My husband Anthony is by my side, holding my hand. We’re crying. I am afraid to look down at my newly born son. I hear Anthony say, “he’s perfect”, and I cry even harder.
And then it happens, we meet. I’m face to face with my little Aj. I can’t help but smile. My heart feels with joy. His skin is so warm and smooth. He looks so innocent and peaceful. I stare at him, hoping that his eyes will open. I rub his cheeks and smooth his brown hair. Counted all of his toes. This has got to be a dream……A mother is not supposed to out live her child….he is too beautiful to be gone.
These are the only memories I will have with Aj in my arms here on earth. I will never get a chance to see those beautiful brown eyes, or hear his cry. I won’t get the chance to nurse him or rock him to sleep. I will never get the opportunity to complain about him keeping me up all night.
“The Lord is near to those who are broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
I know that The Lord is near. If he was not, I would still be hiding under the covers in my bed. All my strength has come from him, because I am far too weak to deal with this heartbreaking situation without him…..