Wow, Christmas certainly came and went quickly. I spent the last week either preparing my heart or denying my anxiety for yesterday. My goal was for the girls to have a super great Christmas, and my husband and I were successful at accomplishing that. The girls were excited and pleased with what “Santa” brought them.
Still, Christmas was very hard for me. I was very excited and energized Christmas morning as the girls opened gifts, but that energy diminished as the day continued. It kind of felt like I was on autopilot, just going through the motions. I was simply doing all of the things I usually do during Christmas get togethers, except this time I was pretending to be present. My husband always says that I wear my emotions on my face, so I’m sure he knew how I was feeling.
I’ll admit, I silently wished that someone would mention Aj. I thought that someone would realize that a vital part of our family was missing from our Christmas celebration. I hoped that someone might recognize that this was AJ’s first Christmas in heaven. It didn’t happen, and that saddened me. I feel the weight of AJ’s absence so heavily, not just on Christmas, but daily. It hurt to think he could have possibly been forgotten.
“Oh that my grief were actually weighed And laid in the balances together with my calamity! For then it would be heavier than the sand of the seas;
Christmas Day marked a milestone for me in this season of grieving. We made it through our first big holiday since he was born into heaven. Although it was emotionally rough, I know that God was with us. I’m grateful for his love, his mercy, and his comfort that he gives so freely. I continue to wait, and trust in him.
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.