The last couple days were tough. I thought I was doing “well” in dealing with my grief, but suddenly I found myself struggling to see any break in the clouds. I was feeling less than hopeful, and all around bummed. Since AJ’s unexpected passing, I see clearly my lack of control over my life. The future is uncertain and confusing, and that was seriously scaring me. I thought that I had conquered that fear, but it came rushing back.
Again I found myself crying in the shower and pouring my heart out to The Lord. I wanted Him to make this easier for me. I needed him to take away the uncertainty, and just give me His plan for the future. Or at least give a quick glimpse, maybe an outline or something. I needed Him to do this because the unknown is just too scary for me.
When I’d said all I could say, and cried every tear I could, I just let the hot water run over my face. I silenced my thoughts and stood there, still before The Lord, and waited, not really expecting a response. Soon the water started to cool. I thought to myself, I guess His answer is this silence.
But then I felt it. It was like a whisper to my spirit and a stirring in my heart, yet it was loud and clear. Trust me. Trust me. I know, but I’m scared. Just trust me. I felt a wave of peace come over me. The tension melted from my shoulders, and the weight of my fear lifted from my spirit.
Since that moment, I’ve been feeling hopeful and optimistic. Of course the sadness is still there, but I can feel the sun starting to shine through the clouds. I know that there is no room in my future for the spirit of control and fear. Again I surrender all of me, all of my life, all of my future to God.