On March 13, a trip to my Doctor’s office confirmed we were pregnant again after the loss of twins in November 2012. We’d actually gotten a positive on a test at home just 2 days before, but it was too faint for us to truly believe. Even when “pregnant” popped up on the digital pregnancy test, it was still pretty hard to believe. We needed the Doctor to verify that it was really true.
After a pregnancy loss, you lose the innocence and excitement of a positive test. You are now aware of the fact, you are not guaranteed a baby to take home in 9 months. I was thankful that my Ob got us in a couple of weeks later, to check and see that our baby was implanted and growing correctly. We were able to see a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, and that was so reassuring. I continued to go back for scans every 2 weeks until my 2nd trimester.
Once we knew that the baby was really there, I begin to pray constantly that the baby would continue to grow and be healthy. Each ultrasound confirmed that God was listening and was surely
answering my prayers.
On May 29, we found out that we were having a little boy. My prayers then changed a bit. I prayed that our son, Anthony Jr would continue grow and be healthy. The girls began to pray the same, that their little brother would grow big and strong. At the big ultrasound, AJ’s anatomy scan, once again it was confirmed our healthy little boy was growing well. God continued to answer our prayers.
When AJ’s heart stopped beating on September 17, we were completely shocked. Everything was so going so well, and no abnormalities were found in any of the scans. How on earth could this have happened?? In the days following his delivery, I struggled to wrap my head around it. I was so sure that God had answered my prayers, but there I sat, arms empty missing my son. I felt like God had let me down.
On November 12, our 7th wedding anniversary, we received the results from AJ’s autopsy and testing done on him and myself. The autopsy revealed a perfectly healthy 32 week old little boy. He had no chromosomal issues and all of his organs and blood vessels were perfectly formed. We were both free of any infections. His cause of death, a myocardial infraction in his left ventricle with no noticeable cause. His cause of death is so rare.
It may seem silly, or hard to understand, but these results brought me some peace. Aj was the right size for his gestational age, and formed perfectly. God had answered my prayers, just not the way that I had expected, I did deliver a healthy baby boy, just as I had prayed. Unfortunately him staying with us was not part of the plan, but I am still so thankful for him.
I prayed for this child, and The Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to The Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to The Lord.
1 Samuel 1:27-28a
I’m not sure if AJ is the last child that God has planned for our family. I hope that this is not the end of my childbearing chapter. I will continue to pray, laying all of my hopes and desires out for God to see, and wait for the his response.