On March 13, a trip to my Doctor’s office confirmed we were pregnant again after the loss of twins in November 2012. We’d actually gotten a positive on a test at home just 2 days before, but it was too faint for us to truly believe. Even when “pregnant” popped up on the digital pregnancy test, it was still pretty hard to believe. We needed the Doctor to verify that it was really true.
After a pregnancy loss, you lose the innocence and excitement of a positive test. You are now aware of the fact, you are not guaranteed a baby to take home in 9 months. I was thankful that my Ob got us in a couple of weeks later, to check and see that our baby was implanted and growing correctly. We were able to see a heartbeat at the first ultrasound, and that was so reassuring. I continued to go back for scans every 2 weeks until my 2nd trimester.
Once we knew that the baby was really there, I begin to pray constantly that the baby would continue to grow and be healthy. Each ultrasound confirmed that God was listening and was surely
answering my prayers.
On May 29, we found out that we were having a little boy. My prayers then changed a bit. I prayed that our son, Anthony Jr would continue grow and be healthy. The girls began to pray the same, that their little brother would grow big and strong. At the big ultrasound, AJ’s anatomy scan, once again it was confirmed our healthy little boy was growing well. God continued to answer our prayers.
When AJ’s heart stopped beating on September 17, we were completely shocked. Everything was so going so well, and no abnormalities were found in any of the scans. How on earth could this have happened?? In the days following his delivery, I struggled to wrap my head around it. I was so sure that God had answered my prayers, but there I sat, arms empty missing my son. I felt like God had let me down.
On November 12, our 7th wedding anniversary, we received the results from AJ’s autopsy and testing done on him and myself. The autopsy revealed a perfectly healthy 32 week old little boy. He had no chromosomal issues and all of his organs and blood vessels were perfectly formed. We were both free of any infections. His cause of death, a myocardial infraction in his left ventricle with no noticeable cause. His cause of death is so rare.
It may seem silly, or hard to understand, but these results brought me some peace. Aj was the right size for his gestational age, and formed perfectly. God had answered my prayers, just not the way that I had expected, I did deliver a healthy baby boy, just as I had prayed. Unfortunately him staying with us was not part of the plan, but I am still so thankful for him.
I prayed for this child, and The Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to The Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to The Lord.
1 Samuel 1:27-28a
I’m not sure if AJ is the last child that God has planned for our family. I hope that this is not the end of my childbearing chapter. I will continue to pray, laying all of my hopes and desires out for God to see, and wait for the his response.
Looking For the Break in the Clouds 
My dear, I just finished reading all of your blog posts. I must say that you are dealing with your grief gracefully. I’m honored to be able to read about your experience because my own faith in God waivers from time to time. However, you have shown that no matter the circumstances, disbelief in God is not an option. Stay strong, Sibyl!
Thanks for reading Jodi!!
Girl know that it is never God’s will for death…in Genesis is states that once Eve ate of the apple that sin, sickness, death entered into the world. It was NEVER God’s plan and still isn’t because He is never changing. But because we live in a fallen world and John 10:10 says that devil comes only to steal, kill and destroy we have to deal with stuff like this. Thankfully though, because of Jesus’ death on the cross, we are overcomers. I believe that God has lots of babies for you. He loves to bless us and the Bible says that children are a heritage of the Lord. Keep hoping and believing girlie!! I know you will have a van full if that is your hearts desire! love ya!!
You are right Elisha, God isn’t responsible for Aj’s death. Instead it’s one of the unfortunate side effects of a world plagued with sin and darkness. But I do believe God already numbered the days that Aj had here with us and his short life was part of the plan.
I will definitely continue praying, trusting, and waiting. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement!!! You’re faith is truly inspirational!
I love the verse Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and future.” His plans for you is only of these things…so hold onto this truth when wondering if he plans to give you good and perfect gifts. I love to talk to the devil everyday (I figured why not? He talks to me with his nasty thoughts) and I am always telling him that God’s plans are perfect for me and He wont stop my dreams from coming true. Talk back to the devil now and tell him now that he will never again steal one of your precious babies. 🙂 There is power in our words (proverbs 18:21) love ya and I can’t wait to get that lil message in my inbox telling me of two perfect lines 🙂 hugs!!! I hope you have a great and fabtabulous weekend!!
I am so sorry. His ultrasound picture is so cute. He does look perfect. Can you imagine how perfect he looks NOW? He’s going to be so beautiful when you get to scoop him up in your arms in heaven. Praying right now that God blesses you with another baby that you get to keep here on earth.
Thank you Bethany!! I read recent post. I’m very excited for your family. I am praying for you all. I look forward to hearing about the special little one God has chosen for you!!
I just had to tell you that I just finished reading through your blog entries and you are so inspirational. I am so sorry for your losses and will be praying for your peace and healing during this time.
That caption at the bottom is so eloquent. Sigh.
You are so incredibly brave and admirable. I don’t know how you have come to such a beautiful acceptance and sweet surrender. I pray that God does bless you with more children…I am so sorry