Sunday was a good day, even possibly a great day!! The sun was shining, the message at church was great, and I was having a pretty good hair day. My mood was super upbeat and I was feeling the most hopeful I have felt since Aj was born. But then Monday rolled around…..
It came on suddenly. The sun was no longer shining, instead it was rainy and gloomy. I was feeling glum and overwhelmed, and the icing on the cake, our refrigerator stopped working. It felt like the devil was working overtime, and I wasn’t doing a good job at fighting off his attack. I was moody, emotional, and feeling unappreciated. My dear husband can definitely vouch for my attitude. I’m sure I wasn’t the most pleasant to be around.
I spent that evening full of turmoil. In my mind, I angrily bombarded God with questions. Why isn’t the sun shining? Why am I so overwhelmed? Why isn’t our refrigerator working? Why couldn’t I have the twins? Why did Aj have to die too?! How much more do we have to endure? Why are you punishing me? I’m embarrassed to admit, but I was knee deep in a big old “Woe is me” pity party, and it wasn’t pretty. After I got the girls to bed, I continued to stew over our misfortune. God what did I do deserve this trial? I even had a good, angry cry in the shower. It didn’t help me to feel any better. I considered opening up my bible and reading for bit, but I didn’t. Instead, I had my tea and went to bed.
I woke Tuesday morning feeling bummed. I felt terrible about my bad attitude from the day before. I regretted not sitting down and spending some time with God in the midst of my bad day. I took a moment to send a quick email to my husband, to check in with him after my day as crazy lady. Then I sat down and opened a book I should have opened on Monday, my bible. I searched Hebrews for a verse I had read many times before…
Thank you God that you can empathize with me and that you understand what it means to be tempted and to endure hardship. You also understand what it’s like to lose a child, and the pain and sadness that goes along with it. I’m a mess. Thank you for loving me just as I am. I ask for your continued grace and strength, because I am far too weak to do life without you. Amen
I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken a moment to read my blog. I know that stillbirth, pregnancy loss, and infant death are heavy topics. I pray that AJ’s story and our family will serve as a testimony, that even in the chaos of death and grief, God will be glorified. It is only because of him that I have found the courage to share my journey, with transparency and honesty. I want to thank my wonderful husband and teammate, I love you so much. A Thank you to my cousin/bf, your constant support means the world. To all of the wonderful loss and ttc ladies I’ve met through this journey, I’m sending you big hugs and lots of prayers for a wonderful year.