Today’s post is taken straight from my journal.
Today I wrote a blog post about waiting. I expressed my frustration with waiting 11 months to bring home a healthy baby, but to lose Aj in the end. Since AJ’s stillbirth, I find myself once again waiting, but what for? What’s next?? I don’t have any expectations to set. Why? Fear, that’s why. I’m afraid of hoping and expecting, but once again being let down.
I waited with hope from Aug 2012 until Sept 2013, and that hope was crushed. I could never fathom that Aj would be lost at 32 weeks, already fully formed, complete, healthy……..it’s crazy!! And scary!! I guess in a sense I feel betrayed. I thought that a healthy, living baby boy was what God had promised. We, myself, my husband and girls prayed for Aj every night and this happened…..he died.
I feel afraid to trust you completely God, and I’m sure you already know that. I’ve allowed myself to trust you, just enough but complete surrender…..how can I? I’m so afraid Lord. It’s interesting, I have faith in you. I know that you are the Almighty, creator of all, and able to give us every good and perfect gift. But I’m afraid those promises just don’t apply to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have complete faith that the prayers I offer for others will be answered, but me…..
In reply to my blog post, Elisha commented that she experienced similar feelings and gave me a link to a post she written earlier. (It’s a great post that you all should definitely check out..Elisha’s Post) In her post, she talks about praying during a time in her ttc journey. She described it as standing at a wishing well throwing in a few prayers hoping God might grant her one. That describes exactly how I feel. I’m throwing in prayers and thinking maybe God will do this, maybe….
She referenced this verse
But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
Now mind you, I’ve read this verse several times, and even have it highlighted. In my lack of humility, I thought that these verses didn’t have anything to do with me. Wrong. I need to remove the big ole plank from my eye. Those verses were speaking loud and clear, directly to me. I ask, but I doubt every time that I pray for myself, every time!! I am tossed and blown by the winds, my situation, AJ’s death…..I should not think that I should receive anything…….I have been humbled..
So I know what I need to do. Ask, and believe without a doubt that God will come through. I need to truly embrace this faith I claim to have, and hope in God regardless of my situation. I want to do this. I’m going to do this. It feels crazy and out of control, but I want to have God’s promises, his blessings, and his favor for me and my family.
Thanks so much Elisha for sharing your post. My spirit was definitely convicted….and I needed to make a change in not only my faith, but my prayer life.