We’ve reached another small milestone in our journey. This past Saturday, January 18, marked 4 months since Aj was born. I looked back over photos taken of me in those last weeks of pregnancy, and it almost seems like a lifetime ago. I’m starting to forget how it felt when Aj would kick me in my ribs, or dance on my bladder. That breaks my heart, that those happy memories are starting to fade. But still, our first meeting is forever burned into my memory, and etched onto my heart. I know that day, those moments will never be forgotten. I miss my little boy so much.
With the passage of time, I’ve begun thinking about the possibility of future pregnancies. Because of the rare cause of AJ’s death, my doctor is optimistic and our chances of reoccurring stillbirth is pretty much nonexistent. My husband and I are on the same page. We would very much like to have another child in the future and the girls would love to have a little brother or sister to help take care of. We know that another child could never, in a million years, replace our son Aj, or the babies we lost before. Our family here on earth will always be incomplete, only to be reunited when we all meet in heaven.
After our 2 losses, the idea of another pregnancy is a scary thing. Most would think my biggest fear would be losing another child, but it seems my actual biggest fear is the loss of my fertility. I’ve always taken it for granted. I always felt ashamed when I would become pregnant “too soon” with each subsequent pregnancy. I’d prepare myself to hear You guys haven’t figured out where babies come from yet? or the sound of disappointment in the voices of those who heard the announcement. I took it to heart, I was hurt and embarrassed about my fertility. Looking back, I am full of regret. I am disappointed that I allowed what others thought, to steal the joy and excitement over the blessings of a pregnancy. That is a mistake I will not make again.
Going forward, we have no idea what God has in store for our family. We will continue to lean on him and trust in whatever plan and timing he has for us. I know that whatever the plan is, God has a good one!!! One far better than what I could’ve imagined.