It’s been a little over a week since my last post. I’ve been writing in my journal, but I’ve had trouble deciding what I wanted to write and share here.
For several weeks, I’ve found myself struggling with the timing of AJ’s death, and the loss of the twins. I had the opportunity to be pregnant with friends and family (at least 5) during both of these pregnancies. It was great having someone to compare symptoms with, talk about baby gear, and complain about aches and pains. Most have gone on to have healthy happy babies (thank you God!!!) and others are preparing for the arrival of their little ones any moment now. I enjoy seeing pictures of their cute babies, and offering support whenever I can. I pray for safe labor and easy transitions for their families. I am so happy for all them……….but still, I’m so very sad and hurt for myself. It is hard for me to deny the 4 lb 8 oz, 18 1/2 inch chunk missing from my heart or the 7 wk 6 day size hole on the other side. It hurts, and time hasn’t healed those wounds. The longing to hold my crying newborn is still here. The desire for a growing baby bump hasn’t left. I find myself asking God why now? In the midst of so much life and so much joy around me, why did their lives have to end now?
I prayed about this, and begged God to give me and answer, so that my heart could have rest. I read my bible searching for a clue and poured my heart out all through out my journal. I remembered Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
I highlighted it, underlined it, and read it 1000s of times and allowed to sink in. Then I accepted it. I accepted that I can’t understand why. God isn’t required to explain the whys to me, but I am instructed to trust and submit to him, and then he will lead me.
My spirit has found rest from the unanswered questions, but I still am struggling with trusting God with my future and the desires of my heart. For now, I am focused on submitting to God and allowing him to use me. I know that I have the opportunity to minster my children as I raise them to know and love God as I do, and have the opportunity to show God’s love to my husband each and everyday by loving, supporting, and praying for him. But I feel led to do a little more.
I believe very much in the power of prayer. Although I do struggle in praying for myself, I have no trouble praying effectively for others. If you need someone to stand in the gap for you, please let me know. I would very much like to pray for you.