I’ve totally been dropping the ball at this surrendering thing. Some of my old habits started to resurface….I’ve been trying to find a way to control life again. It started with the what ifs, followed by the maybe ifs and next thing I know, I’ve drafted a plan for how I’d like God to proceed. As if I hadn’t already learned……..and suddenly I found myself tense, stressed, and disappointed that God hadn’t moved according to my timing.
Looking back at the past almost 5 months, I found that though I’ve been deeply saddened, I was more at peace during the early times when I was trusting God to just make it through the day. I didn’t have the energy then to try and figure out the future, when I needed His help just to continue on as a mother for my girls and a wife to my husband. I had more hope……..I knew God was going to make the future bright.
All my planning and directing has started to dull that shiny, bright future….as each day ticks by hope seems to slip a little further from my grasp. It seems Satan has found and zeroed in on my weak spot…….and I can’t have that!!!
So God here I am. Here are my worries and fears for the future wrapped with a pretty bow……you can have them back!! I’m going to my shelf to grab the box you gave me many years ago. You know, the one full of hope, love, peace, joy, blessings, and prosperity. I had it out a month or so ago, but I mistakenly put it away when I was busy planning the future. And just in case I forgot last time……thank you God for such an amazing gift!!
I also wanted to share a big milestone for me. I finally sat down and added some pictures and such to the baby book we started for Aj. Even though he isn’t here on earth, he is still my little boy. I felt he needed his own book just like his sisters. I love and miss you Aj.i look forward to the day that we will all be reunited.