I’m sitting here, looking through my journal. I started it way back in January of 2011. The entries are sporadic and jumbled. I’ve got several bible verses written throughout, and list upon list of prayers I’ve offered for my family and friends, and the ways that God has answered them. One entry really stood out to me though. Strangely, it’s not dated. This is what I wrote:
This test I can’t pass!! What am I missing? God what are you trying to
show me? What are you trying to tell me?
I have no idea what I may have been going through at the moment I was writing that entry, but much of it is what I feel right now.
AJ’s death, and the months that have followed, sometimes feel like a big string of tests that I can’t pass. I had to go through the heartbreak of hearing the doctor say, “I’m so sorry Sibyl”. I had to experience the excruciating pain of childbirth, minus the reward of a healthy living baby at the end. Afterwards I still had to endure the engorgement of my milk coming in, with no baby to feed, and the emotional ups and downs of the postpartum hormone changes. More testing….
The morning after AJ’s delivery, I had to find the right words to explain to my girls that their little brother will not be coming home, but will be living in heaven instead…testing
A couple days after Aj was born, I had to go with my husband to pick out an urn for my first born son, and then told a few days later that we needed a larger one to hold all of his ashes. Still testing….
Trying to find the balance between grieving properly, mothering my girls, loving my husband, and taking care of myself…dealing with the longing to hold a living newborn again….learning to forgive the hurtful comments…. releasing guilt over AJ’s death….finding hope again…
the list could go on and on as the test continues….
Almost 5 months later, I feel like I’m in the middle of the same big exams that I failed to study for. I am still completely unprepared. I continue striving for balance and spiritual growth. And I wait……for this season to end and my testing to be complete…..I wait for God to redeem all that has been lost……I wait for the clouds to break, and a rainbow to light up the sky.