The goal of my blog has been to share my journey after loss with complete honesty. I have a strong faith in God, but of course I am still human :o) So I want to share one of my struggles that started days after losing Aj.
I’ve always been a very optimistic, happy person. I’ve had highs and lows in life, but I always took them in stride. My adult life had been good to me. I have a great husband, and my girls here on earth. God has blessed me far more than I deserved, and I have always been so grateful……
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8
But losing the twins, and then losing Aj so suddenly left me feeling….confused. I was still grateful for all that I had been given, but I couldn’t make sense of all that had been taken from me. This left me wide open for an attack….wide open….
I can say with certainty, the enemy saw the opening. It was like he was holding a huge spotlight, and he would zoom
in on various triggers all of the time. It didn’t matter if I was just watching tv, getting on Facebook, reading a book, or running an errand……He made sure I saw something…..and in the early days of grieving, I was too deep in sadness to fight back.
I remember my first trip to Target after losing Aj. Satan had the spotlight shining bright!! He zoomed in on every pregnant woman, every bitty baby in a car seat, or infant snuggled up in a wrap on their mother’s chest. I stared at each of them, longingly….and completely green with envy. That should be me waddling around, getting a few things before Aj arrives. That should be Aj, cuddled closely in my ergo. I should be rocking Aj trying to get him to settle. I wanted Aj to still be safe in my belly, alive and kicking….or in my arms, alive and breathing. Why not me?? Honestly, that day felt like a form of torture to my already fragile spirit….and it didn’t end there. Everyday, everywhere, there was some reminder of my pregnancy that ended too soon, or the living newborn baby I didn’t have…..and the enemy highlighted every moment. I found myself drowning in the sea of baby envy and why me, clinging with all of my heart to the promises of God.
After an emotionally bad day, I said to Anthony, ” Everyone is pregnant or having babies. I’m happy for them but it feels like punishment for me, like pouring salt in my wounds.” And he simply said, “Someone is always going to be pregnant or having a baby. It is not about what is going on with them. It is about what’s going on with us.” And he was right. I had allowed the enemy to showcase all of the happy pregnancies and babies that God had blessed others with, and I felt like God had let me down, or was punishing me on purpose……Satan was hoping this would cause me to lose my faith…… my hope….. my trust in an always good and awesome God. I needed to stop focusing on the what ifs, should bes, and what others had, and shift my thoughts back on the One who loves me, and will never leave or forsake me.
Tomorrow will be 153 days, 5 months since Aj was born. It’s still a struggle. The good days greatly out number the bad days, but the enemy continues to search for a way in…..a chance to damage my relationship with God…..But Satan, you won’t win!!!