6 months and 5 days…..that’s how long it’s been since we said hello, and then goodbye to our son Aj. We have come so far, but yet, not quite as far as I thought……
We have endured something so traumatic and heartbreaking. Our faith in an Awesome God has kept us from giving up, or giving into defeat and hopelessness. He has truly showed us that He is here and will never forsake us. He has lifted us from the pit of despair, and planted our feet on solid ground…….for all of this, and so much more, I am so thankful.
But still, my heart remains heavy. Of course, I am very much still grieving the loss of my Aj and his tiny twin siblings, all gone too soon. But I also mourn the honest expectations I had for AJ’s 1/2 year angelversary. At 6 months, I wanted to remember Aj and the 32 weeks he grew and wiggled in my belly, but I also hoped to be doing that with a new little bean nestled in womb.
I know that a new little one would not replace my son, or make the pain of loss go away, but the hope that a new life brings……..the joy of mothering another little one……seeing my kids grow and love one another……all of the tears, sleepless nights, poopy diapers, stomach bugs…..even with the possibilities of loss…..it is worth it, and I long for another chance.
Pregnancy has always come easy for me in the past, as I said before. I’ve gone from 3 healthy pregnancies in a 4 year span to a missed miscarriage of twins and a stillbirth in a 13 month span….and here I am now, battling crazy long anovulatory cycles, along with frustration and fear. An area where I felt I had at least some level of confidence, has turned into a scary mess. Why does this seem to be getting worse instead of better? What is the lesson I am to learn? What am I doing wrong?
Even in all this craziness, I’m not giving up….instead, I’m giving it to God. The frustration and fears…the control and the planning…..I will give those burdens to Him. And I will continue to hope and to trust in him, and him alone.