187 days

6 months and 5 days…..that’s how long it’s been since we said hello, and then goodbye to our son Aj. We have come so far, but yet, not quite as far as I thought……

We have endured something so traumatic and heartbreaking. Our faith in an Awesome God has kept us from giving up, or giving into defeat and hopelessness. He has truly showed us that He is here and will never forsake us. He has lifted us from the pit of despair, and planted our feet on solid ground…….for all of this, and so much more, I am so thankful.

But still, my heart remains heavy. Of course, I am very much still grieving the loss of my Aj and his tiny twin siblings, all gone too soon. But I also mourn the honest expectations I had for AJ’s 1/2 year angelversary. At 6 months, I wanted to remember Aj and the 32 weeks he grew and wiggled in my belly, but I also hoped to be doing that with a new little bean nestled in womb.

I know that a new little one would not replace my son, or make the pain of loss go away, but the hope that a new life brings……..the joy of mothering another little one……seeing my kids grow and love one another……all of the tears, sleepless nights, poopy diapers, stomach bugs…..even with the possibilities of loss…..it is worth it, and I long for another chance.

Pregnancy has always come easy for me in the past, as I said before. I’ve gone from 3 healthy pregnancies in a 4 year span to a missed miscarriage of twins and a stillbirth in a 13 month span….and here I am now, battling crazy long anovulatory cycles, along with frustration and fear. An area where I felt I had at least some level of confidence, has turned into a scary mess. Why does this seem to be getting worse instead of better? What is the lesson I am to learn? What am I doing wrong?

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Even in all this craziness, I’m not giving up….instead, I’m giving it to God. The frustration and fears…the control and the planning…..I will give those burdens to Him. And I will continue to hope and to trust in him, and him alone.

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6 months….

Here we are, just 5 days away from AJ’s 1/2 year birthday in heaven……and it hasn’t gotten any easier. The grief is still so big and sad, it just looks a little different.

The shock has worn off, and we have transitioned back into our normal lives. My husband is back into the swing of things at work, and the girls and I are back into our regular homeschooling day. Life has moved on with such speed and busyness, but…….it’s different. It is a “new” normal clouded by the sadness of loss. I go about my day, but Aj is always on my mind. There is an ache in my heart, and a longing for just one more moment with my little man.

I feel his absence everyday. When we are out and about in the cold winter weather, my mind starts to wonder, how difficult would it have been to get 4 kids, coats, and diaper bag out of the car? Or when when we take a quick trip out of town for the night, I wonder Would this have been even doable if Aj was here? During morning class time, I’ve imagined myself juggling a breastfeeding baby while I teach the newest phonics lesson. So many what ifs? So many dreams that will be just that…….dreams…

At this point, I’m passed the why me? I have made peace with AJ’s death. I know that God has an amazing plan for me and my family. Losing Aj didn’t negate his awesome plans, but unfortunately it is a part of the journey he has laid out before us. Still, I find myself struggling impatiently with the waiting. I am ready for the next chapter to begin. The chapter where our weeping is turned to joy…..redemption for all that has been lost.

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Thank you all for accompanying me on this journey. All of the support and prayers, mean so much. It’s a rough road, and I am a mess. My faith has been stretched and tested, and my heartbroken to pieces. God has been with me through every tear. I know that He is working…..the fact that I am here in this moment, despite the heartache and pain, is testimony of that. He is good, and I trust him to
take all of me that is broken, and make it beautiful.

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I wanted to shout out a big thank you to my amazing husband. This that was designed to break us, has only brought us closer than ever. (And I didn’t know that was possible)