Here we are, just 5 days away from AJ’s 1/2 year birthday in heaven……and it hasn’t gotten any easier. The grief is still so big and sad, it just looks a little different.
The shock has worn off, and we have transitioned back into our normal lives. My husband is back into the swing of things at work, and the girls and I are back into our regular homeschooling day. Life has moved on with such speed and busyness, but…….it’s different. It is a “new” normal clouded by the sadness of loss. I go about my day, but Aj is always on my mind. There is an ache in my heart, and a longing for just one more moment with my little man.
I feel his absence everyday. When we are out and about in the cold winter weather, my mind starts to wonder, how difficult would it have been to get 4 kids, coats, and diaper bag out of the car? Or when when we take a quick trip out of town for the night, I wonder Would this have been even doable if Aj was here? During morning class time, I’ve imagined myself juggling a breastfeeding baby while I teach the newest phonics lesson. So many what ifs? So many dreams that will be just that…….dreams…
At this point, I’m passed the why me? I have made peace with AJ’s death. I know that God has an amazing plan for me and my family. Losing Aj didn’t negate his awesome plans, but unfortunately it is a part of the journey he has laid out before us. Still, I find myself struggling impatiently with the waiting. I am ready for the next chapter to begin. The chapter where our weeping is turned to joy…..redemption for all that has been lost.
Thank you all for accompanying me on this journey. All of the support and prayers, mean so much. It’s a rough road, and I am a mess. My faith has been stretched and tested, and my heartbroken to pieces. God has been with me through every tear. I know that He is working…..the fact that I am here in this moment, despite the heartache and pain, is testimony of that. He is good, and I trust him to
take all of me that is broken, and make it beautiful.
I wanted to shout out a big thank you to my amazing husband. This that was designed to break us, has only brought us closer than ever. (And I didn’t know that was possible)