30 weeks…..210 days…..
It’s been quite awhile since I’ve written…Although I’ve been busy with my girls, and enjoying family time with my husband, it’s been a hard month. I’d heard from other mommies of angels, that the 6 month angelversary was one of the hardest, and they weren’t kidding…..
The last few weeks have been difficult. I’ve found myself struggling again with so many questions. Why did Aj have to die? Why didn’t I realize that he was in distress? Why didn’t I ask for an ultrasound at my appointment prior to his death? If I had been more aware, could I have saved him? Why did God not give me some type of sign so that we could prepare for this? Why couldn’t I give my husband a son? I thought that I had surrendered these questions to God earlier in my journey, but here they were again. I’d gone from complete acceptance, to a place where I accepted that Aj wasn’t supposed to live here on earth, but i wanted to know why. I felt either God had let me down or I messed up big time, and I wanted an explanation.
I needed God to tell me where I fell short, so that maybe I could fix it, and do better. Did I need to pray more? Be more patient? Maybe I needed to memorize more bible verses? Or maybe I was just too sinful? Were the losses punishment? Had God singled me out for my unworthiness?
I spent days reading, writing, crying, pleading with God to show me my error, or at least explain to me what was going on. I was so weary and frustrated. Of course, I never got the answer or explanation I was so desperate for, but God offered his comfort and love instead.
During my bible time, I found myself coming across verse after verse confessing God’s goodness and love…
For The Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.
Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting
How great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast stored up for those who fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for those who take refuge in Thee, before the sons of men!
And I was reminded that all good comes from him…
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
Because of sin, death, pain, and sadness exist here in this world….but through God’s love there is victory.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Although the verses I came across didn’t answer, in depth, the whys? and hows? it did cause a change in perspective for me. It reminded me that God and his goodness are unchanging. He wouldn’t punish my sins or actions with death and sadness. His son Jesus already bore my punishment on the cross.
With this different perspective, I’ve found myself asking different questions. Why not me? How can I use our losses, AJ’s death and our lives to glorify God? Those are the most important questions right?? This is the journey I (and my family) have been given. There are patches of sadness, hurt, confusion, and fear, but there is also hope and unwavering faith in God, that I want to share, and I hope has come across in my writing.
Although terrible things have happened, God has remained unchanged and true to his word. His goodness shows up everyday…from the sun shining in the morning to the happy chatter of my 3 girls and their daddy at bedtime. He is always here and continues to give us so many good gifts. There is joy here….love…happiness….so much more than sadness and loss.
7 months…..Aj, mommy loves you today, yesterday, and always….I look forward to the day we will all meet again.