September 17,2013

Last year at this moment, I was sitting in Labor and Delivery. The nurses had just spent the last 10 minutes searching for my little boys heartbeat on the Doppler without any luck. They assured me, “I’m sure it’s ok. Let’s just wait for the doctor to do an ultrasound.” But I could see the sadness on their faces, and tears started to roll from my eyes. “He’s gone isn’t he?” No one responds. My doctor arrives, looks at me with a worried smile, and starts the ultrasound. We’re all looking to the screen. There, he is…but he’s not moving. The familiar flicker of the heartbeat is absent. “Sibyl, I am so sorry….” I’m confused. How is this even possible??

“We have to check you now?”
I’m unable to respond through the tears.

“She’s 1 cm dialated’,” I hear the doctor tell the nurse. I cry even harder. My body has betrayed me!!

I pull out my phone thinking, I’ve got to let Anthony know what’s going on, but I’m not sure how to deliver the news….Our son has died…..my phone rings, it’s my brother asking me what’s going on. “He’s gone….” That’s all that I can get out. The doctor then informs me that we will need to start the induction process right away……

I’m lost in the commotion, completely shocked…..broken. I hear women laboring beside me, and the loud thumps of their live babies on the monitor…..this has got to be some cruel nightmare! This is not fair! This has to be a mistake!! I am so scared….what happens next?? How am I supposed to deliver my boy like this??

Honestly a lot of the moments that followed the next couple of hours are a blur. Anthony arrived at the hospital pretty quickly, but I don’t remember actually sending him any type of message letting him know what was happening.

They started my induction at 6:00 pm…..We would meet our little Aj, 19 hours later.

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5 thoughts on “September 17,2013

  1. Oh sibyl! My heart just broke reading this as i found myself in that room with you! Sending you lots of prayers for peace and comfort over the next several days…weeks…

  2. My heart just breaks hearing your story as it sounds exactly like mine. We lost our angel Makenzie at 32.5 weeks. I often read your post, you are such an inspiration . I pray Gods blessing on you and your family. You will see AJ and the twins again!

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