Harder than I thought….

I’m standing in the window, arms caressing my round belly as the sun shines on my smiling face….

Yep, that’s how I pictured it….naive I know…..a blissful, anxiety-free rainbow pregnancy. I thought that I’d be glowingly happy and free of any doubt…..resting in complete confidence that this little one would be coming home with us at the end of 9 months.

I was wrong. It’s much harder than I could’ve ever imagined.

I thought my biggest faith test was continuing to trust God in the midst of confusion and grief after AJ’s death. Instead, the test continues, and I’ve spent the majority of the past 21 weeks face to face with my fears and doubts…..

I didn’t feel him move as much today….Was I sleeping on my back last night? Was that a contraction? Where is my Doppler?Is his heart still beating?

Don’t get me wrong, everyday is not plagued with fear and panic. There are moments of bliss, happiness, excitement, and joy. I am so very thankful for this little one….but sometimes, after a big kick, I can’t help but think will this be our last moment together?

So there it is, I’ve laid all of my ugly fear and doubt out for all to see….but as scary and hard as this pregnancy has been, the truth still remains. God is good, and he is here. He is still with me as I travel this rough, terrifying road. He comforts me as I battle my fears and holds my hand as I continue to walk through the grief of losing Aj.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8

Today I am 21 weeks 2 days and Baby E is a boy! I’ve tried to take as many pictures as I can…

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7 thoughts on “Harder than I thought….

  1. I know exactly how you feel! My rainbow is six weeks old now, but I went through the longest months of my life! I commend you for blogging about your pregnancy and congrats!!

  2. You look amazing my dear! It’s understandable you worries, anxieties and fears but just remember those thoughts are from the enemy. You are amazing woman and I admire you so much for your strength! This is my prayer for your little boy…”I will not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has done.” ~Psalm 118:17

  3. You are absolutely glowing. I know it’s hard to see past the fear of more pain. Focus on the good and rely on your faith to see you through your pregnancy to the end, and when you get there and hold your new baby, all of that fear will melt away and you will be left with nothing but joy. I wish you the best.

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