I miss you.
And my love is so BIG for my little boy. The time has snuck past so quickly, and here we are, just 2 short months until AJ’s 1st birthday. Wow, I miss him so much…we all do.
This journey has been rough. It’s still the toughest ever, and it is far from over. The hurt and grief from losing our boy hasn’t disappeared….we haven’t “gotten over” it. That would be impossible…..
We do not get over it
–We go through it
The pain goes away but the ache never does
Happiness and Joy do return — now they dance with my missing you
In the first few days after Aj died, I couldn’t begin to imagine how we would be able to keep moving without him here. We had planned and prepared everything for his arrival. And so quickly, he was gone. We were left with an empty corner, which once held his bassinet, and a heart so broken I wasn’t sure it could be repaired…..but there in all my hurt, sadness, anger, and brokenness, was God. He was willing to take me in at my darkest hour, touch my heart, and comfort me with His love.
The last several months have been an honest testimony to the truth of God’s word.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
It is because of Him, and Him alone that I was saved from a different journey, into a darker place…..one that would have been full of crushing sadness, depression, loss of faith, and hopelessness. He is good!!
Today, as look back over the past 10 months, I am thankful. I’m thankful for the 8 months that Aj grew in my belly, and getting to know him as no one on earth ever will. I am thankful for all of my children, both in heaven and on earth. I am so blessed to be their mommy, and they mean the world to me. I am thankful for my husband. We are an unbreakable team! I am thankful for friends, family, and my church family, who have offered their prayers and support. And I’m thankful for opportunities that God has set into motion, that will allow his glory to be told through our story. Lastly, I am thankful for hope…..hope that doesn’t disappoint…hope that allows the sun to peek through the break in the clouds….
Sunday was a good day, even possibly a great day!! The sun was shining, the message at church was great, and I was having a pretty good hair day. My mood was super upbeat and I was feeling the most hopeful I have felt since Aj was born. But then Monday rolled around…..
It came on suddenly. The sun was no longer shining, instead it was rainy and gloomy. I was feeling glum and overwhelmed, and the icing on the cake, our refrigerator stopped working. It felt like the devil was working overtime, and I wasn’t doing a good job at fighting off his attack. I was moody, emotional, and feeling unappreciated. My dear husband can definitely vouch for my attitude. I’m sure I wasn’t the most pleasant to be around.
I spent that evening full of turmoil. In my mind, I angrily bombarded God with questions. Why isn’t the sun shining? Why am I so overwhelmed? Why isn’t our refrigerator working? Why couldn’t I have the twins? Why did Aj have to die too?! How much more do we have to endure? Why are you punishing me? I’m embarrassed to admit, but I was knee deep in a big old “Woe is me” pity party, and it wasn’t pretty. After I got the girls to bed, I continued to stew over our misfortune. God what did I do deserve this trial? I even had a good, angry cry in the shower. It didn’t help me to feel any better. I considered opening up my bible and reading for bit, but I didn’t. Instead, I had my tea and went to bed.
I woke Tuesday morning feeling bummed. I felt terrible about my bad attitude from the day before. I regretted not sitting down and spending some time with God in the midst of my bad day. I took a moment to send a quick email to my husband, to check in with him after my day as crazy lady. Then I sat down and opened a book I should have opened on Monday, my bible. I searched Hebrews for a verse I had read many times before…
Thank you God that you can empathize with me and that you understand what it means to be tempted and to endure hardship. You also understand what it’s like to lose a child, and the pain and sadness that goes along with it. I’m a mess. Thank you for loving me just as I am. I ask for your continued grace and strength, because I am far too weak to do life without you. Amen
I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken a moment to read my blog. I know that stillbirth, pregnancy loss, and infant death are heavy topics. I pray that AJ’s story and our family will serve as a testimony, that even in the chaos of death and grief, God will be glorified. It is only because of him that I have found the courage to share my journey, with transparency and honesty. I want to thank my wonderful husband and teammate, I love you so much. A Thank you to my cousin/bf, your constant support means the world. To all of the wonderful loss and ttc ladies I’ve met through this journey, I’m sending you big hugs and lots of prayers for a wonderful year.
The last couple days were tough. I thought I was doing “well” in dealing with my grief, but suddenly I found myself struggling to see any break in the clouds. I was feeling less than hopeful, and all around bummed. Since AJ’s unexpected passing, I see clearly my lack of control over my life. The future is uncertain and confusing, and that was seriously scaring me. I thought that I had conquered that fear, but it came rushing back.
Again I found myself crying in the shower and pouring my heart out to The Lord. I wanted Him to make this easier for me. I needed him to take away the uncertainty, and just give me His plan for the future. Or at least give a quick glimpse, maybe an outline or something. I needed Him to do this because the unknown is just too scary for me.
When I’d said all I could say, and cried every tear I could, I just let the hot water run over my face. I silenced my thoughts and stood there, still before The Lord, and waited, not really expecting a response. Soon the water started to cool. I thought to myself, I guess His answer is this silence.
But then I felt it. It was like a whisper to my spirit and a stirring in my heart, yet it was loud and clear. Trust me. Trust me. I know, but I’m scared. Just trust me. I felt a wave of peace come over me. The tension melted from my shoulders, and the weight of my fear lifted from my spirit.
Since that moment, I’ve been feeling hopeful and optimistic. Of course the sadness is still there, but I can feel the sun starting to shine through the clouds. I know that there is no room in my future for the spirit of control and fear. Again I surrender all of me, all of my life, all of my future to God.
We all make plans for our day, and even bigger plans for our life. It’s always smooth sailing when God allows things to move at what appears to be our timetable. But then it happens……things don’t go our way. Our dreams don’t manifest as quickly as we’d like, and our heart’s desires are not fulfilled. Our whole world seems to be falling apart.
It’s true, hope deferred makes the heart sick. In these past 15 weeks since Aj left us, I have cried out many times. My heart is shattered. I’ve begged God to take this pain and hurt away. I’ve prayed that a new season would began immediately. I’ve shouted, “I can’t handle anymore!”. I’ve wept, been angry, and felt defeated. I have even allowed others to come in an crush what little hope I was clinging to. It’s been hard. My heart is certainly sick with worry, doubt, and fear.
But this verse gives me a hopeful glimpse into the future. It speaks of hope deferred. Deferred means “postponed” or “delayed”. A hope or longing that is deferred, is one that is to come. This means that this season of mourning will end and give way to joy. It also gives life to the desires I have stored in my heart, those too will be fulfilled. God is good and his timing is perfect!
2013 certainly didn’t go the way we had expected. We created wonderful memories together throughout the year. The girls experienced exciting new things. My husband continued to have great success at work, and I learned how much I love to bake.
As this new year begins, I look forward to the fulfillment of God’s promises. I’m not sure what he has planned, but I know that it is good, because of one thing I know for sure….